My car, the KooNing broke down.
(Above, after she was pushed to the side of the road by some kind folks, out of harm’s way, thank God)
Big deal hah? It the fooking is when she chose to stop on the far right, that is almost in the middle, of a 2-lane road.
Which was at the end of a round-about. And at the end of a down-hill. Just the perfect place to practise braking hard and trying not to hit an idiot (that would be me) “parked” in an absolutely no-parking place.
I say to self: Switch on hazard lights. Open up boot lid. Like, pronto dude! And…
Can’t be more dangerous right?
Pray some more. Harder this time.
No vehicle has kissed my KooNing yet. Many threatened to tho. I think they were practising their braking and swerving skills. And perhaps their swearing skills as well.
Allow me to dig up one of God’s proverbs here, 15:8 in the Bible, it says, “the Lord detests the sacrifice of the wicked but the prayer of the upright pleases Him.”
A million thanks my benevolent Lord. Because I wasn’t far into my 25-km journey, only 3km or so. Is it luck or my blessed Lord looking out for me?
Oh dear, so many questions for the Lord. Do I have enough faith? Do you?
Well, can’t let the Lord do every thing can we? So a call to my regular mechanic and up he arrives 33 minutes later. Tried to start the engine. No good.
Pray? No answer.
Answer comes in another way. Oh my.
A dude on a tractor drives up, parks it and suggests and offers to push poor KooNing out of harm’s way.
He was God sent?
Well, believe it or not, another secondary school kid, a fat one at that, with no business to stop, stopped; got down from his pukka bike and helped the other two to push me (I was at the wheel obviously).
Halleluyah, I say. Double Halleluyah.
This is probably why I wrote this story. Or was it all about answered prayers?
Ah, wtf, all I want to lead this story up to is that, amazingly, that school kid is a Malay. And he did it automatically. Just like that. No questions asked. No wild waving from us to ask him to help. Incredible. Stupendous. Thank God I say.
The mechanic and tractor dudes were Chinese. All we need is an Indian to turn up, eh?
So Sehati, Sejiwa. One Heart, One Soul and all that shit. So the 58th Independence Day theme is da best so far then.
Anyway, my miserable ass is still alive, the car is safe from being back-ended, the engine is still fooking dead, while the foreman by the name of Ah Fatt, is ordered back to da workshop since it’s no forking load of good him chit-chatting with me while waiting for the tow truck is it?
The boss, Daniel Lee Thien Soon of S Power, calls for the tow truck. But this one is not his regular one. Wait I must I guess.
And … is it another miracle? Today, September 2 just happens to be my … off day, so no sweat. So, bring it on. What, it’s only 2 pm? I’ll just watch the grass grow then.
“Rrrrrinnnng…” the tow truck dude calls up. Warns me, well informs me, not to be towed by any other truck that shows up (wah, competition must be hot, eh?). He instantaneously reels off his truck number and even tells me what colour his truck is (orange).
Half an hour of watching the grass growing later, still no show. What the fook? Ring him up. Apparently he is now in Cyberjaya picking up two Mercs which had crashed badly.
Oh look, grass-cutters. Three of them. I am bored aren’t I?
Hey, look again, grass-cutters cheat. Well, two of them anyway. They miss cutting the sides. They just “happen” to do the middle bit only then quickly cross the road to the round-about. Maybe they hate their pay package huh? No overtime. Or they missed reading the latest memo.
The third one did tho. Very meticulous. Maybe he has OCD (like me). Doesn’t miss a single blade, if you believe me, but he’s 1,000% better at his job than the other two. God will be pleased with him.
I believe that’s the way of the world huh? Yes, even in the career path of the lower end of the corporate ladder. And what would be the lowest of the low rung? A garbage collector?
But God still “delights in those whose ways are blameless” (Proverbs 11:20).
Ah, the orange tow truck arrives. It is 14:49 but it won’t tow. It’s more of a “ride” truck. It will pull your car up on its sumptuous bed whence it will royally deliver your darling to be unloaded unto your workshop of choice for a mere RM90.00.
(Above, a tow truck which is actually a “ride” truck.)
(Above, view from inside KooNing going up the truck.)
(Above, tow truck driver figuring how to get KooNing on board his Orange “ride” truck.)
So, off I go with him. Aiks, inside his cab is also installed his “ride”, yeah a woman. Okkkkkay. Sweet. Let’s not ask any awkward questions. Every man has that urge, kan? At least it’s not a “pretty boy” or “gorgeous lady boy”.
Not that … that is unusual nowadays.
Even my KooNing has had more than a 10-year relationship with the S Power workshop and she has only clocked up 189,898 kilometres.
Now let us get slightly technical on why my baby gave up on me. Step by step then.
Firstly, she was already giving me a huge clue by not changing up to a higher gear … meaning I should be gentle with her.
Unfortunately, I thought by rev-ing up, sometimes up to 6.500 rpm, I could persuade her to change up, which worked sometimes.
But on that fateful September 2nd it did not. It died. And the engine shut down. Actually I blew the plug coil. Luckily, not the engine. Or was it divine intervention again? Because a blown engine can really make yer nose bleed no?
(Above, the plug coil killed by yours truly.)
(Above, installing the new plug coil. Just blown RM296.)
Now, what I should have done, as advised by mister know-it-all Ah Soon, is to find a spot to park the car safely, switch off the engine and simply re-start her. Like a re-boot. Kick her arse like. Some girls need that once in a while. And some just like it like that. Or am I wrong? Anyway, on to the “stories behind the story”.
Sekian. Catch you later alligator.
THE STORIES BEHIND THE STORY.
STORY #1: As usual, I assure you and give you my solemn assurance that I am not selling or advertising or whatever for S Power or whoever.
STORY #2: The logical (hey, I can be logical at last) reason I am so against taking out my hard-earned dosh on yet another vehicle is because it would be quite pointless.
After all, the KooNing is already my fooking 19th. Yessiree 19 mutha-stoopiak-fooking vehicles since 1979. You want me to shamelessly name them all?
Here goes then. Unless stated as new, all the others are pre-owned.
#1:1979 new RM18,0000 3-door Honda Accord.
#2:1983 new 3-door Ford Laser S.
#3:1983 Mazda 323.
#4:1983 RM40,000 BMW 320 (E21) bought in 1984.
#5:1985 new RM63,000 4-door BMW 320i (E30).
#6:1989 new Nissan Sentra 1.6 (A).
#7:1978 3-door Honda Civic purchased in 1989.
#8:1985 RM108,000 Mercedes Benz 190E, acquired in 1992.
#9:1994 new Toyota Landcruiser which got stolen.
#10:1991 Peugeot 405 GTi purchased in 1994 when
#11:1983 BMW 323i (E21) bought in 1995.
#12:1997 new Audi A4 1.8i.
#13:199? Alfa Romeo 155 1.8i bought in 1999.
#14:1999 new 3-door Proton Satria 1.3 GLi.
#15:2001 new Renault Kangoo 1.4i.
#16:2002 new RM97,000 Mitsubishi Storm 2.5 (A) TDi.
#17:2004 Proton Juara 1.1 (A) bought in 2004, XIOC.
#18:200? 90,000km Proton Waja 1.6 (A) acquired in April, 2007.
#19:2004 new RM63,000 Hyundai Getz “KooNing” 1.3 (A).
#20:200? Pre-owned Volkswagen Beetle maybe?
STORY #3: Blood pressure normal 70/130. Weight 79kg. Waist 37cm. Life is good. Sort of.
STORY #4: If you don’t ride or do any thing slightly “dangerous” or silly before you turn 60 (I’m an ancient 59) you haven’t lived. I can bet you your last ringgit, okay US dollar, you’ll never treasure every hour (or even minutes) you are alive.
Alrighty then, the rest of you nerds, noobs, kooks, knobs and geeks get off that “league of nothing” puke-ter game and head for the great outdoors. Like now?
Take your first step on a trip to, oh Korea? Take up yoga. Go kick up a storm in a temple called Shaolin. Bungy jump. Learn to swim. Stop having sex for a month or longer (or do the opposite, have sex every day). Just do it.
Just be care-fool about it tho. No need to YOLO – observe all the safety precautions first. Me simply wants youse to cum and read some more of my shit.
Until then, kawabungaaaaaaa.